Dear African girls, I come to you this morning with a heavy heart. It saddens me to repeatedly see you go about your business of abusing our culture on an everyday basis like no man’s business. We come from a land of greatness; rich in natural resources, beautiful child brides, skillful female circumcision experts and a sense of community that has thankfully not been invaded by the perversion of the Western world. So when I sit down to put these rules together for you, it is to help us all continue to sustain our beautiful culture. Let’s touch on these topics.
Imagine my shock the other day when I found out Ngeri’s daughter does not know how to cook fufu! The girl is almost done with high school and she walks around unashamedly with that kind of flaw?? How will she ever keep a man if she can’t feed him? Talk less of having a family!! I mean how can a woman be a woman if she can’t perform her basic domestic duties?? For shame. But you know what? I blame her mother. I have always said you must get these girls in the kitchen as soon as they learn how to hold a fufu stick steadily. But no, Ngeri would not listen and just brushed off my concerns. Now look what has happened to her daughter. It is sad really, girls. Do not let this be your story. Go in that kitchen and throw it down like every good African girl would. Make your mother proud, attract a man, keep him well fed and thank me later.
Another issue of concern for me dear girls is your manner of dressing. I see many of you good girls trying to copy that American fashion of walking around showing your valuable assets. Don’t you understand that by flashing off all your secrets, you leave nothing to the imagination? You have to stay covered so that when men go to imagine you, they can have the pleasure of un-covering you themselves. You must not take away from your future husband the excitement that is akin to unwrapping a favorite piece of candy. Remember that a farmer will never buy a cow if he can get the milk for free. You know, despite all the bad things the white man has brought to our land, he has also brought some good. Think about how our female ancestors walked around naked for centuries, the whole time devaluing themselves until the Europeans came to their rescue. I feel sorry for some of those primitive tribes that insist on walking around naked or with their scanty raffia leaves. Thank God for progress my dear girls.
The other day, my dear friend Susan introduced me to this thing called Facebook. Dear girls, I have seen the gateway to hell! Susan was showing me pictures of her daughter who lives out in Florida and one of them caught my eye. She was standing with some boy and guess what? He had his hand around her waist!! This boy is not her husband and has made no declarations of any such intent, yet there he was, carelessly holding her around the waist! Girls, let me break this down for you. You know all your value is topically distributed and as such can be easily rubbed off. 40% is on your buttocks, 30% around your waist, 30% around your thighs and the rest of your body parts make up the remainder. So this dull girl was standing there, letting that man hold her waist and just like that - GBAM - she depreciated by 30%. The Good Book teaches us that our bodies are temples and it is our duty to keep them sacred and pure. You see, the sanctity of this temple is so fragile that something as seemingly trivial as a man’s arm around your waist can cause it to be lost. You must be careful girls, lest all your mornings of bible study, meditation and prayer go to waste because of a boy.
I learned about something that shook me to the core just two days ago and I am still hoping some one will come wake me out of this dream. I hear there are schools in America where children are taught about sex and on top of that, the students receive free condoms? It is no wonder that country continues to descend into the abyss. Why would a topic as sacred as this one be fodder for classroom discussion? And why, oh why, would people give young girls condoms? Don’t you see what that will cause? More and more of our young women would no longer be afraid of diseases and pregnancy and would have no problem spreading themselves around like cheap ashawos. Girls, I am afraid you are being led down a dangerous path but you must be strong. These discussions are a no-go zone. As for the condoms, run far far away from the devil and do not give him that opening.
Now if you do these things and continue to succeed as an upright and decent African girl, you will catch the eye of one of our African sons and they will honor you by making you their wife. This reflects well on your family and superb upbringing so don’t let your family down dear girl. But I want you to understand that marriage is not a bed of roses. You see, men are wild beings and need gentle and patient women like yourself to hold them down. Their egos are easily bruised so be careful not to push him to the wall or belittle him in his own house. Be sure to support his every endeavor and keep him satisfied gastric and otherwise, lest he be forced to succumb to outside temptations. Above all, do not buy into that western idea of divorce; we know not such things in our culture. A good wife is known for her patience and endurance and there never was a better time for this to be put to use than when things are going rough between you and your husband. So, for the sake of peace, family unity and to avoid disgracing yourself and your family, stay with him and help him navigate the treacherous path of fidelity.
Beri’s son heard me discussing these rules with his mother and he came up to me to ask about the rules for boys. I laughed hysterically; he is only 7 years old – aren’t they cute at that age? He doesn’t yet understand that there are no such rules for them. It is okay though; when he comes of age he will realize that his penis makes everything ok. Silly boy haha.